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If you’re expecting a mighty blow-out game extravaganza before we bunk off for Christmas, then you’ve come to the wrong place. You can have two games, and be thankful. We’ve got to wrap the wombats in tinsel by tonight, so there’s no time to search out any more for you.
The first is an action packed little number where you’ll be scaling mountains and whacking abominable snowmen in the face with grappling hooks. The second is a festive room escape, which should keep you busy for a while. Possibly not all the way until next year, but there are other things to be doing over the holidays rather than sitting in front of your computer and playing games all the time… such as fighting with your siblings after drinking too much sherry, for example.
That’s all for another year, no doubt we’ll be back sometime in 2009. Once the bloating’s gone down. Happy Christmas!
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We’ll soon be locking up the gates of FJ Towers for a few days so we can put our feet up over the festive period. But first, here’s a handy hint to help you out over the holidays.
After all the presents have been opened, there’s bound to be loads of discarded wrapping paper lying around. Instead of sticking it in your recycling bin, how about you recycle it in a slightly different way to normal? Why not have a go at transforming it into a paper AK47! Or if you get really bored and want to kill some time during the Queen’s speech, maybe try the Oerlikon anti-aircraft gun, the kids will love it!
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Its always a tough choice trying to decide what to have for Christmas dinner. Should you go for the roast goose with crispy skin, or the joint of ham studded with cloves? This year, how about opting for something completely different? Here at FJ Towers, we’ve plumped for this festive spaghetti recipe. Extra string grated on mine please Mr Taz!
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Have you no manners? Don’t you know it’s rude to play with your food?
What’s that? You’re not playing with your food at all? Your food is actually a person? And he’s called Meat Boy? And you need to help him on his adventures?
You must think I’m crazy! I’m not falling for that old chestnut. Whatever next? Gravy Lad in the land of savoury sauces? Actually, that sounds pretty good. I’d have a go at that.
WARNING: This game is rock hard
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Grannies: they’re a lovely bunch. They sit around chit-chatting, drinking tea and knitting weird jumpers that never quite fit, right? Wrong! As soon as you’re outta that door, the tea gets poured into the plant pots to be replaced by gin, and the real knitting projects come out. It’s all gruesome crocodile death and Siamese bears… still cuddly, but not quite as cute…
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Ahhh, the magical aroma of a recently sprayed bowling shoe. Sniiifffffffff. Nothing beats the experience of a trip to the bowling alley. Nothing… apart from bowling down slopes instead of boring old lanes!!!
Downhill bowling ups the action of common or garden bowling by, yep, you guessed it, bowling down mountains instead! Pick up turbo-boosts and exploding power-ups and away you go, STRIKE!
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You’re investigating Christmas presents, right? You’re not just endlessly admiring the procession of scantily clad lovely ladies and pressing the “turn” button, no way! You’re far too mature to do that.
Oh, sorry. I was getting you mixed up with someone else. You’re not far too mature to do that at all, are you? Oh well.
*turn*
*turn*
*turn*
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I know it's sell, sell, sell round here nowadays, but it is nearly xmas, what do you expect? Just in case you haven't got all you prezzies yet, Wanderlust are churning out prints of my drawings. I'm sure you'll agree that these would make the perfect gift for the under fives in your lives. They'll thank you for it eventually. There are also some naked chicks with tiger heads and stuff like that, so it's not all boring stuff.
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There’s not much point trying to flog you lot stuff all the time, let’s face it, if you read Funjunkie, you’re probably not rolling in it*. But then again, if you’re a bit hard up for cash, then you may be looking for some low-cost Christmas prezzies. Over at DeathGob, they’ve got loads of ace badges for a pound a pop, which is pretty damned cheap in anyone’s book. They also do t-shirts, if you really want to splash out.
End of advertisement message
*Unless “it” is a ditch, and you’ve just fell in after your ninth can of eggnog.
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I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate.
…but that’s enough of my showing off at the things you’ll never be able to achieve. If however you’d like a mere taste of what it’s like to be on the forefront of the galaxy, maybe you should take to the skies as a Star Baron. It’s not quite as exciting as the real thing, but then again, you couldn’t handle the real thing.
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Who’s your favourite Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle? Mine, up until very recently, was Donatello. I just loved the way he graciously used his Bo staff, and his bold choice of the colour purple really put him in a different class from the others. Now though, there’s a new kid on the block.
Dogatello trumps the rest of the Ninja Turtle gang by a long way. In fact, he’s not even a turtle, he’s a poodle! And that’s not all! He doesn’t even fight crime, he fights good taste and decency instead!
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Fed up of Christmas shopping already? Feel like going into a department store and smashing the place up? Now there’s no need; at the click of this link, you’ll be creating merry mayhem across all floors! Shame there’s not an additional “lawnmower queues to death” link too (I might put that on my list for Santa).
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Pinch punch, first of the month, no return! Goodness gracious me, is it really December already?
Snow’s forecast for this afternoon, but to brighten your day up, why not play with coloured sand instead? It falls like snow, it’s not as cold, and you can draw funny pictures with it! OK, so it’s not as easy to pack into a ball and mash into SillyBoy's head, but you can’t have everything, can you?
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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Uses
Compact discs are used to make cheap Ninja throwing stars in the Far East. Modern day Ninja warriors apparently prefer using Hear'say's debut album because of its superior aerodynamic properties.
Unreliable Facts from The Brains Trust |
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
- Tommy Cooper |
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DeathGob
