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Wooooo! It's halloween, the scaaaaariest day of the year! It would be so easy to post something to do with ghost and ghouls, or spiders and bats, or Jordan and Peter Andre, but where's the fun in easiness? We pride ourselves on being able to bring you something totally unrelated to anything, it's in our mission statement!
So what do you get instead then? Well, the Earth Defender Freshmen video, of course. If ninjas jumping out of tumble dryers dressed in stupid costumes isn't your thing... then what are you doing here? Make sure you watch right until the dancehall climax, it turns out to be quite scary after all. Which is a nice coincidence. WooOoOOOooOo.
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Blimey Charlie! Is it Friday or something? There must be some reason why we've got a front page full of Funjunkie Friday Games... perhaps we're just feeling overly generous.
Game 4 in our end of month epic comes in the form of a black and yellow running, jumping, shooting, snapping, jumping, snapping, running, shooting, running and quite possibly, snapping er, thingamijig. Look I'm sorry okay, but sometimes we Funjunkie Editors run out of words. Take a look at your Thesaurus. Only 866,349* words in use... Not even a million! That's just not enough for people like us.
Anyway, here's your weekly dose of running, jumping, shooting, snapping, jumping, snapping, running, shooting, running and quite possibly, snapping.
*As of 19th of May 2005. Staggeringly Funjunkie has provided you with a REAL FACT! Be amazed, you won't get many of those.
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One common quality of advertising companies is the ability to combine several completely unrelated subjects to help make something sell. Take for instance a recent advertising campaign for a certain make of car. Cars are often product-placed in new big name movies, as are many other brand types. But why... seriously, why is there a car advert featuring the new Zorro film? Forgive my stupidity, but is there any relevance?
Viral marketers share this quality. Take one film with a rather large gorilla, add one Indian Jones type, then roll some tubes of crisps at him, and do you know what you've got? That's right, it's a conceptual paradox of a game. Still, it is mildly diverting for a few femto-seconds.
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It's been a couple of weeks since you last saw the The Raisin Box Pyramid of Destiny, and work has been steadily progressing. The Wombat has made an excellent Site Manager, making sure everything is done as it should be and on time. However, he didn't take into account one important factor: the incompetence of the workforce.
 Can someone go and buy some glue?
Find out if the Wombat can get the project back on track in time for the christmas lights to be turned on, we doubt it!
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In my professional medical opinion, TeaGames.com make great games with really nice, smooth and simple graphics. Unfortunately for some reason the games make any computer which is more than 1 year old, act like it's having to compute the possible outcome of every weather system in the world at any one point in time. It's rather a shame really.
Still, killing zombies in excruciatingly slow motion may well have it's advantages. At least you have a chance to see where they're coming from.
Come on TeaGames... can't you at least allow us to select a lower graphics quality if we're not running your games on Deep Blue?
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It's not too late to get your entries in for FJ Idol. I know it probably seems that we're being a bit picky about who makes it through to the next round, but when you've got a postbag full of thousands of entries every morning, you really have to get a bit tough with the judging.
Of course we don't have such a postbag, but we're confident that there are a good number of you who would benefit from the incredible rewards* of being a Funjunkie Editor. Other than that, there's also the chance that you might win a very rare FJ Mug! That's right kids. You too could be the proud owner of your very own Judgement Tea mug, and none of your friends would have one, and your family would all come around to your house to see it, and everyone would say things like "Ooh" and "Ahh", and you'd probably end up being the envy of everyone in the street that you live on. How can you possibly give up an opportunity like that?
So send us your entry. All we want is 100 words about why we shouldn't throw your entry in the bin, sent to competition@funjunkie.co.uk ... What could be easier?
*Bear with me... I'll think of some soon.
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Happy Friday, you wonderful people. You're all looking so breathtakingly gorgeous this morning, I could kiss the lot of you... oh, apart from you. Yeah you know who you are. Got out of bed on the wrong side didn't you? You could have at least showered.
Still, the rest of you are looking fabulous, so I've decided to reward you all with possibly one of the best beat-em-up games I've ever found on the Information* Super-fucking-duper Highway, ever!
Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce to you Smacky. It'll take you a little while to get the hang of, but it's more fun than a wheely bin full of rolled up newspapers. Now that's enetertainment!
*Ha haha hahhah aah ahahah aha ha ha ha ha hahaha! Information, my arse!
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Having crashed and burned in the maiden voyage of the Rat-Liner, Captain Binky and his sidekick, Waffle have returned to our screens with a new set of episodes. Evidently Sillyboy has been putting in plenty of effort at work, and has therefore been rewarded with a stack of free time with which he can do as he pleases. Either that or he's probably going to get the sack within the next couple of days. Speak to Reg if you want in on the sweepstake for which day he gets fired.
For now we'll just have to sit back and watch what happens as Binky decides to become a Superhero*. It doesn't stop there of course, so you might want to move on to Episode 4 just to keep up to date.
And it doesn't stop there either! It seems that other Funjunkie Academy trained artists are getting in on the act too, with the latest episode drawn by the fair hand of Rosa, one of our very own bloody foreigners.
Aren't you the lucky ones?
*Rather like myself.
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If you've got some spare time on your hands* and you're able to install a few things on your computer**, then maybe you should have a look at Experimental Gameplay. There are loads of games to download*** and have a play with.
You'll have to seperate the wheat from the chaff yourself, but I'd recommend On a rainy day if you've lost all decision making capabilities.
*Which is quite likely, if you're here
**Without pissing your Nan off
***For free, naturally
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Here’s a true story for you. This morning, as I got off the bus, I realised I’d got a bit of a damp bum. I guessed there was a simple explanation such as some condensation from the windows had run off onto my seat. I then touched the damp spot, and it smelled distinctly like wee. I’m not saying it was wee, but all signs pointed towards it being wee.
I’m very sure I didn’t wee myself, so it must have been someone elses, which lets face it, is a lot worse. Thankfully my bum is nearly dry now, after several uncomfortable hours. This evening I can go home, have a bath, wash my trousers and nappy… (I mean pants), but I’m going to have to bagsy another office chair at some point.
On a vaguely related note, here are some videos of cuddly toys having epic shits.
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Nothing fills a Funjunkie editor with joy more than a couple of Hamsters strapped to a paper aeroplane. So imagine our suprise when Funjunkie forumite and regular reader, Sillyboy, presented us with a featurelength animated classic called "How to build a hamster-plane".
A cellebration followed which lasted for a whole weekend, and a rather large quatity of bottles mysteriously dissappeared from the Funjunkie Towers wine cellar. Since then we've not seen either F*ck Fluff Sally or Badger Mushroom, but there are a few pools of vomit around the grounds.
And the good news doesn't stop there. It appears that boredom really got the better of Sillyboy on this occasion, and so he went on to build a second installment to the series, called "The Voyage of the Rat-liner". It really is almost as amusing as a bucket filled with highly amusing things.
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When Sting and the rest of The Police sat down to write the lyrics for "So Lonely", surely they must have realised that for the next 20 years or so, we'd all be dancing around singing the line "Sue Lawley. Sue Lawley. Sue Lawley." over and over again.
Evidently Sting wanted Sue to get noticed, and sure enough she finally managed to secure her place in music history by becoming the presenter of Desert Island Disks. How many other people can say that they got where they are today due to Misheard lyrics? By our estimations, we'd have to say somewhere in the region of 48,000.
Speaking of Gerbils, the word on the street is almost as surreal as all the dodgy song lyrics. Do you see how it works? My posts are all cobbled together with such tenuous links, and yet YOU read them. Have you no dignity?
I'll stop there.
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Dedication to the cause has always been a unique feature of Funjunkie's faithful readers*, and none more so than our very own resident Nurse, Crack Whore. Not only has she decided to enter FJ Idol, but she also agreed to let our pisshead photographer wake her up at the crack of dawn** on the very day that she's switching roles in hospital.
Needless to say, she was a bit tetchy with our photographer, probably because he didn't save any Vodka for her.
Crack Whore wants YOU! (To go under the knife instead)
We'll give you a full assessment of her entry soon, but for now we'd like to give three cheers for CW. Hip Hip... oh wait, no. It's not a Hip operation.
Much sympathy and some virtual flowers for you. Take it easy.
*All three of you.
**Not to be confused with Dawn's crack.
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Those cheeky Supergrass chappies need a driver. Their little fingers are all sore from playing guitars and drums and keyboards all night, so they're incapable of grasping the gear stick firmly enough. Unfortunately for them, you're their only hope*. Word of your legendary gear stick grasping technique preceeds you, so jump in the car and take the band on the Road to Rouen.
*Maybe you should change your name to Obi-Wan
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You know, we pay our photographer an arm and a leg*, and what happens? He goes down the pub and gets completely bladdered! 48 hours or work and what have we got to show for it? 2 photos, and quite frankly, they're not exactly Time Magazine cover shots.
Still a photo is a photo, and finally we have something to show for our second FJ wannabe, Dr.Poppyjuice.
Dr.Poppyjuice trying out a revolutionary new Anaesthetic, today.
Stay tuned for our judges' critique on the Doctor's audition transcript.
*Literally. There are rather a lot of spare body parts down in the old secret laboratory, and since Wild has gone we don't have much use for them anymore.
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FJ Idol is fast turning into a full and furious competition here at Funjunkie Towers. So far, out of the thousands of entries sent in, we've hand selected three wannabes who we believe may have what it takes to become a star* editor. We've sent the photographer over in the Funjunkie private Helicopter, and he's sending us back images via the worldwide interwebificator.
So without any further ado, why don't we introduce you to our first FJ Idol wannabe, Becca.
Becca with her hand up a Wombat's arse, yesterday.
We will be posting Becca's audition transcript in due course... or words to that effect.
*Not to be confused with Editor of The Star, which is an entirely different legal landmine.
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Once again, Taz saves the day and breaks the monotony of work by flying in on his Jet powered hot air balloon and hitting the thousands of readers with another Funjunkie Friday Game.
Who knows why he suddenly chooses to talk about himself in the third person? Who knows why he randomly started writing about the escapade in past tense half way through the post? Indeed, who actually cared... or cares?
One thing was sure though, and that was that millions of lives would be saved through stress relief. Jungle Fruit... It's not entirely dull.
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Well F*ck Fluff Sally has gone and put a spanner in the works again. So much for continuing downhill for the rest of the day. It looks like we'll have to go up and down like a bridesmaid's nightie... pretty much like usual then.
The third Funjunkie Friday Game comes in the curious form of a CatcopterTM*. Sounds stupid, doesn't it? Well it is rather.
*Yes, that's a cat with a helicopter attachment. Try to think of it as a Feline Inspector Gadget. Oh come on now, try! It's not that difficult.
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I'm not even going to bother trying to top Taz's game because I know I won't win. He is the master after all. Instead, I'm going to do exactly the opposite and try and find the shittest game on the great t'interweb.
Now, I'm sure there are worse games than this, but as far as graphics go, this one completely takes the piss.
The one good thing it does do is take you back to the days of neon socks, Duran Duran and Jim'll Fix it.
So go on, have a go on Jump. It'll make you feel like a right old bastard!
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Today I'm starting as I mean to go on here on Funjunkie, and that's downhill.
Why?
Because I'm starting with the best Funjunkie Friday Game of the week, or possibly even the month. There's no way anyone can top it, unless one of the other editors finds the same game with 100 more levels... or perhaps a better game, er?
So there you have it. I've thrown down the gauntlet, and it's up to Reg, F*ck Fluff Sally, Badger Mushroom, and Curls. The ball's in your court guys.
Snow Storm... It's fucking ace on toast and EVERYTHING!
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Car modification; apparently all the cool people are doing it nowadays. Not only are people ‘blinging up’ the exterior of their motors so they look like spacecraft or works of contemporary art, but they’re also filling up the interiors with ICE*.
It may sound a bit of a stupid thing to do, when you can have air conditioning, but ICE is actually a ‘street’ acronym for In Car Entertainment. Do you see what they’ve done there? These modders are clever buggers, aren’t they!
*Thanks again, Johnny X!
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Here at FJ Towers we're always on the lookout for fresh blood. Aside from the incessant appetite of the wombat, there's the need for new talent.
Not long ago we introduced a guest editor to our fair abode, with the intention of letting him stay rent free for one month, and then to pack him on his way with a swift kick in the arse and catalogue of psychiatric problems. Poo.rusher stuck a fairly hefty spanner in the works by being lazy and not bothering to get out of bed at any time, thus we forgot he was here and he managed to totally overstay his welcome.
Fortunately Reg came to the rescue with his super-memory-powers, and has given poo.rusher until the end of the week to leave.
All this of course means that we'll be short of one editor*, so we've decided to find another one in the most democratic way possible. By holding a rather pointless competition.
We want YOU to be our next guest editor. That's right, you! So if you think you've got what it takes to be as incomprehensible as F*ck Fluff Sally, or as quiet as Curls, drop us an email to competition@funjunkie.co.uk with 100 words about why we shouldn't throw your entry in the bin.
*Which won't make a blind bit of difference.
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We're all big fans of Napoleon Dynamite here at FJ Towers. It's pretty obivous to anyone that's met Reg that he obviously models himself on him....IDIOT. To be honest, I think F*ck Fluff Sally might actually have a bit of a thing for Reg now, he's got all these special skills.
Anyhoo, I promised you some vids didn't I? That's right, vids, plural. First off we have an advert for the Utah State Fair. Next there's a Top Ten from the Late Show.
Once you've checked those out prepare yourself for a couple of beauties: Napoleon reporting from the X Games, followed by a new advert incorporating perennial geek Bill Gates*. Don't ever say we don't spoil you.
Cheers to Lal for the heads up on some of these
*It's poor quality vid, but what're you gonna do about it?
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I know that we don't traditionally post games on a Tuesday, what with all that Funjunkie Friday Game nonsense, but it can be a little difficult sometimes. Perhaps it's because my memory won't hold out for the next 3 days, or maybe I just can't believe that it's no longer the weekend. Who knows?
Whatever the reason, I can't leave you today without getting you started on a game that's close to Badger Mushroom's heart: Traps, mines and a sheep.
Post your scores in the comments section as usual.
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It's not easy living on Mars. Everyday things that you take for granted back on earth can be an ordeal up here. Take popping out to the corner shop for some milk for example, it's harder than you think.
First of all you have to put on the correct protective overcoat to make sure you don't die from radiators, then you have to carefully select your pirate hat so you can breath properly, then there's the back up team of vomitting clouds to organise. I tell you, it's a Trip.
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So there you were, all smug in the knowledge that you'd beaten Hapland, positively exploding with over-confidence after completing Hapland 2, when all at once, some stupid Funjunkie editor goes and tells you that there's another one out.
Now you're right back to square one with the rest of us, and you're not going to get much further. I got to about square 4 before my head could no longer take it. Rhetondo Island. It's more than just a little frustrating.
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Reg has kicked off the Funjunkie Friday Game bonanza with a triple-decker bus of superb games, and it doesn't stop there. We're dedicated to keepin you, our one reader, happy and entertained. We want you to get through your Friday's in the best way possible. We want you to shine above all of your colleagues. We want you to go home tonight, radiating happiness and oozing the odd gloatfull grin.
In short, we want your babies*.
Here you go... have another game, it's on the house.
*Jelly Babies of course. In fact, go out and get us 6 packets of Jelly Babies, now!
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”Oh No” I hear you cry. “Not another one of those throw-something-and-see-how-far-it-will-go games!” Well yes it is, but this one let’s you play as monsters. If you want. And you can throw wheelie bins. If you want. That’s definitely enough innovation to make it the third FJ Friday Game of the day.
Once again, post your scores in the comments box. If you want.
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Howdy pals. How y'all doin'? Y'all looking mighty fine.
This morning I'm pretending to be American, although I'm not very good at it. I've been chatting to some lovely American folks on Flickr and I must say they are an interesting lot.
I have no one to talk to this morning you see. Taz is building a new castle whilst Curls watches on, BM is visiting mummy and daddy BM for the weekend, Poo is fighting the locals off again, and Reg......well....I don't speak to Reg anyway. He's usually too busy building his model aeroplanes.
Amongst chatting to the American folk and eating spam I dug up a little game for y'all (sorry, I'll stop that now).Twin Spin, spin the balls and burst the balloons. Not much instruction on this one so it's also a bit of a guessing game. Ohhhhhhhh matrix!
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Football management games aren’t heavily represented within the FJ Friday Game categories. They’re generally far too reliant on confusing statistics and periods of time with nothing much happening. That’s where today’s first FJFG bucks the trend. It’s fast paced, and you’re only in it to make moolah for yourself.
It does have one thing in common with the rest of the genre, I’m still painfully bad at it. Post your high scores in the comments.
Thanks Johnny X
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OK, so it may be a miserable day outside and its only Thursday, but our job here at FJ Towers is to make it all a little more tolerable. First of all, think of it as 'Little Friday' rather than boring old Thursday. Then, remember that England have actually qualified for the World Cup. Who would have thought that a couple of weeks ago?
It's also John Peel day. Obviously it's not good that the old fella carked it, but just think of the little chappie playing his records too loud and at the wrong speed in the afterlife.
And finally, if that's not enough for you, there's also a paintball game for you to have a blast at. I'm off to have a well earned break with a cup of tea and some loud cyber-hillbilly 7" on the hi-fi.
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It's all go here at FJ Towers today. We've got three birthday cakes to make, and we're running out of butter. Forum favourites Berkatonic and Kutu are celebrating their 21sts again, and Big Old Pavo is joining the knees-up later. Which reminds me, we better stock up on choccy biscuits too, you don't want to mess with a man like that when he's got the munchies.
In honour of this occasion, we should have a link to something befittingly grand. Unfortunately, we're not been preparing too well, and you've got dogs in bee costumes instead*.
*Cheers Uncle Owen
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Taz has been banging on about all the construction work he’s been doing recently, but everyone knows that the real building work here at FJ Towers is left to the tough guys. Last year, Badger Mushroom excelled himself with his Leaning Cup Tower of Doom; this October it’s my turn to show the world what the FJ team are truly capable of.
I’ve decided to take advantage of the lower gravity here on Mars, and building has begun of what will undoubtedly be the planet’s largest pyramid of raisin boxes.
Tune in again soon to see how this exciting new project unfolds. Until the next exciting update of The Raisin Box Pyramid of Destiny, so long!
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As I type this, little bits of paint, dust, grit, and the odd floorboard keep dropping onto my keyboard. The whole left side is now getting a bit full now, so writing things like QWERTY is becoming a little difficult.
Still, it's not all doom and gloom around here, although you'd be forgiven for thinking that the whole Funjunkie team has been stuck in the Funjunkie Towers dungeons for the last few days*.
We've been carefully scouring the interweb for hard hitting news, serious and thought provoking articles, controversies, complexities, and imortant political events, all for your entertainment. So far our dedicated team of Evil Monkey Robot news researchers have come up with one thing. Batman singing. It's been keeping us amused for hours. Literally.
*Of course you'd be right.
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Prepare to be amazed...
...now unprepare yourself, because our next game is a maze game, and as we all know, mazes don't amaze. Hopefully I can squeeze in a few more uses of the word "maze" before the article is finished because we haven't used up our monthly quota of Zs yet.
Maze, maze, maze!
There you go. All done. Now of course we can't use any more, so I'll have to make sure nobody posts anything with the last letter of the alphabet in it, until November that is.
Okay, one Robot and one Ma(insert letter here)e for it to wander around.
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Game two follows game one in quick succession, and unfortunately for some, in rather a formulaic way. I mean, isn't it a bit sad that we always have to deal with things like this in order? Shouldn't we mix it up a little? Why can't we start with Funjunkie Friday Game III, then move on to Funjunkie Friday Game I, follow up with Funjunkie Friday Game IX (Just to throw in a little variety of course), and so on and so forth.
I'm sick of these bloody traditions, but I'm not the man to mess with the way of the world. I'll leave that to Badger Mushroom, who's far better suited.
Game 2... I'm really sorry, but that's what it's going to be. In game 2, you've got to pick a pocket or two, or three, or... oh just .avoid the rozzers
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I know you've all been missing me over the last week, but my lack of postings is all for a good cause. As you should know by now, we all live in one enormous mansion called Funjunkie Towers, but obviously even this palace isn't big enough to accommodate us with enough personal space. None of the other editors can put up with me for more than a few days at a time so they send me away every now and again to give themselves some peace.
Consequently Curls and I have a second home back on Earth, which also comes in handy for running the World Funjunkie Corporation and its various subsidiary companies.
Unfortunately our house was recently demolished by a freak accident involving a Rhino and 40 insurance salesmen, so we've been forced to rebuild. I've spent most of this week covered in dust and breathing in noxious fumes.
The good news is that I've got a little time to post a few Funjunkie Friday Games for you to chew on. Your first FFG of the week shall be a rodeo ride... er, literally.
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We’ve got another exclusive treat for you today. One day before Channel4 Games, and a whole two days before the b3ta Friday newsletter, we can proudly bring you the smashing new game from the world of Crazymum.
Take control of a bleach pissing Magnus Magnusson in a game of vengeance against otters. No, I really didn’t make that up, have a go yourself.
I had to sell my kidney* to get you this exclusive, so you better bloody like it.
*When I say ‘my kidney’, I mean F*ck Fluff Sally’s. Mine broke years ago. Don’t tell her though when she wakes up.
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Whoa, yeah man! This is like totally h e a v y. It’s a spaced out trip in a washing machine when you’re doing tie-dye, from the point of view of an ant. Except the ant must have breathing apparatus on, otherwise it would drown. So therefore the ant must be some kind of special forces ant, probably on some secret psychedelic mission of love. Which is like a total t R i P.
Or, in translation, some fractal videos.
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Arse cleavage can be a wonderful thing; take this prime specimen for example. In fact don’t take it, I need later for sitting on the bus.
Sorry, I digress. Probably not for the last time either. What was I saying? Oh yeah, arse cleavage. Here’s a game where you 'encourage' people to display their crevasses. Please don’t attempt to do this in real life, as you will get kicked in. Not that I know or anything. I’ve just heard the rumours about Badger Mushroom, that’s all.
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Close Encounters of a Musical Kind
Igor Stravinsky was very happy with his closing music for the ballet "The Firebird" but when it was pointed out by his friends in the pub that John Williams had used almost the same thematic structure in the music for the closing scene of "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" he decided to use a radical new musical form which lead to such masterpieces as "Petrouschka" and "The Rte of Spring"
Unreliable Facts from The Brains Trust |
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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
- Tommy Cooper |
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DeathGob
