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If you got soaked in the rain on the way to work / college / school this morning, don't bother towelling off. We're sending you straight back out into the wet again. Today's first Funjunkie Friday Game is sending you down a waterslide to pick up some sweets. Obviously.
If you didn't get wet on the way to work / college / school this morning, I bet you didn't bring your trunks / swimsuit in with you either. In that case, strip down to your underwear* and get on with it.
*FJ accepts no responsibility for you getting funny looks / indecent proposals.
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Look, I know you're itching for Thursday to get over and done with so you can play some Funjunkie Friday Games, but like the Grolsch, it's not ready yet.
To keep you amused in the meantime, download and have a quick blast with Duck Doom. Yes, you've guessed it, it's a clever hybrid of Duck Hunt and Doom. Which means you get to blow pesky ducks out of the sky with the BFG. Which is nice. Unless you're a duck. In which case, why are you using a computer?
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I'm very excited: Maps - Musician, DJ, Performer, Rennaisance man, and possibly the nicest guy in 'Famptonshire - has his single 'Start Somethin' out now. I urge you all to rush out and buy it. The Wombat loves it and has described it as being 'full of archingly luscious Euro-synth washes and dense clusters of exquisite sound, which crescendo into ecstatic layers of concordant beauty'. The Wombat still slashed my legs this morning cos I was 2 minutes late serving his breakfast.
Maps is also performing live at the Roadmender on 10th December. Be there. More gigs TBA.
De man a flippin' LEGE.ND
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The World Conker Championships are once again nearly upon us. Next Sunday (9th October), warriors from around the globe will gather in Ashton, Northamptonshire, to battle it out for the legendary title.
Gents, if you haven't already signed up, then you're out of luck, there are no spaces left*. However, there's still plenty of opportunity for you ladies out there.
Remember, they're not letting kids play conkers in schools nowadays, so put some effort into supporting this wonderful knuckle-breaking tradition. Meet me behind the bike sheds at break time, I've got a sixteener that I want to pan you with. No stampsies.
*If you go in drag, you might be able to enter the ladies competition. Just a thought.
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Taz has been playing around with his nano-physics set that he got at the local toy shop recently. There are all sorts of experiments that you can do with it, such as microscopize the wombat, and make a working scale model of the solar system.
There is however, one experiment which he's got stuck on. The nano-engine for the flea steam-roller requires splitting the atom. Everyone knows this is easy, it's the putting it back together that's the tricky bit.
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Everybody who's anybody, and even those of you who aren't, knows that Dogs and Martial Arts make the perfect combination. Not all dogs of course. Some dogs are shit at martial arts, like St Bernards. St Bernards are positively useless at Ninjitsu and haven't got the stamina for Wing Chun Kung Fu. Likewise, there's the Pug. With a face like that, you'd think the Pug had been into martial arts for millennia, but the reality is that they're just dropped out of 3rd storey windows when they're born.
But most dog breeds are martial arts experts. The International Karate championships was won by a 3 year old Rough Collie last year, and the runner up was real bitch! As yet, no dog has managed to get past the qualifying rounds of the Judo World Cup, but that may be about to change.
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My Mum just phoned me up. She asked me to put up a message saying "Happy Birthday" to Poorusher on Funjunkie. I asked if there was anything else she wanted to add. She said she couldn't think of anything in particular, so he gets this instead:
Now dish up the cake, and let's get back to business as usual.
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Jumpers for goalposts? More like, stay indoors and play football on the innternet instead; with your jumper firmly covering the top half of your body, where it's meant to be.
Have a go at this Keepy-Uppy game, then see how you compare with the rest of the Funjunkie League*. If you're any better than us, then we'll sack our Manager**. And then replace the half time oranges with something a bit more powerful. Like errr... grapefruit.
*Still a few places left, if you're quick!
**Guess who that is. Yep, the Wombat. Who doesn't even know the rules
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Do you see how dedicated we are here at Funjunkie? Some of us get up at 5 in the morning to hunt for games, just so that you can have a moderatly passable Friday. We do all this for you, and do you know how much we get paid for this? I'll tell you how much! Your average Funjunkie editor only gets a mere £250 per hour, and that's before tax!
It's a wonder we ever get up in the morning. All this work and to come out at the end of the month with less than £45,000? Well that just takes the biscuit. But we're dedicated. We're loyal to you. And with the few billion we get from the other World Funjunkie Corporation businesses every year, we're almost comfortable with what we've got.
Here, have yourself another game. It's on the house. Panda Ball... It's not French don't you know.
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Sometimes we'll find things on the Interwebomatic that are so groundbreaking... so utterly perfect, that we can't bring ourselves to show them to you. Some things are just too advanced for people to cope with, so we let them stew. We let them sit on a shelf, gathering dust and small insects until finally, grudgingly, the day arrives that they must be unleashed upon the wall. This is generally because they're so old-hat that they become retro-cool.
This next link is about 6 months late for various reasons, but none of the ones mentioned above. Basically I forgot to post it. There! Happy now?
Le Building... It's French don't you know.
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A damp an dreary morning greets us here at Funjunkie Towers as Autumn gives us a little taster of what's in store for the next three months. Even the Wombat is looking fairly depressed, even though after the ritual equinox sacrifices yesterday.
All these grey mornings and nights drawing in give you more reason to sit back and bask in the warm glow of Funjunkie, particularly on a Friday. Why? Because we give you exciting things to play with, and I'm not talking about the Rampant Rabbit that you took from our house at the Christmas Party last year.
I'm talking about exciting things like this Bull Run game. It's a bit like our monthly Wombat Run, but with decidedly less bloodshed.
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Ketchup. Invention of the food gods. It's sauce, right... and it goes with EVERYTHING! That's right. You can* eat Tomato ketchup with absolutely everything. It's official. In fact I have been informed that our very own food and drink correspondent, Badger Mushroom only ever goes to restaurants that have ketchup available. That's how dedicated we are here at Funjunkie Towers.
The only problem with ketchup is the effort. If it's a glass bottle, there's all that shaking, patting, and inevitable knife insertion when the bottle gets near empty. If it's a plastic, not only do you have to squeeze the bottle but there's also the embarrassment of all those farty sounds.
Here at Funjunkie Towers, we're not into the idea of expending energy. Effort is for losers, and we're not sinking to that level. That's why we're thinking of buying ourselves a Catsup Crapper.
*Can, but would you want to?
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Traditionally, FJ Bandwagons have been on Little Fridays. However, as it’s a start of a new term, we’re having a bit of a change around to see if a couple of new ideas work. It might turn out nice, it might be the worst idea since letting the wombat cut Taz's hair. Time will tell.
Anyway, you should know the drill by now. You make “Back to School” themed stuff into bands. Here are a few to start you off:- The Scho-La’s
- Bike Shed Seven
- Kid & Playtime
- Blazer Squad
- Everyone in class is going to make fun of you because you have a Gay Dad
- Faith No More throwing pencils, please Simpkins!
Add yours in the comments below...
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Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen. Let me welcome to the beginning of the week, even if it did start over 13 hours ago.
This week we've got bagloads of amusing and entertaining content planned for you, but since we're no good at carrying out our plans you'll probably just have to put up with the usual Funjunkie crap that we so mindlessly leave, here at the arse end of the web.
So starting as we mean to go on, here's something to keep you from doing any work for the next hour or so. The next generation of Grow games.
You might as well unplug the phone.
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Forum stalwarts, O & Mittens have got a new band. They’re called The New Cassettes, and surprisingly, they’re rather good! If you want to know what all the fuss is about, check out their temporary site, then catch up with them at Northampton’s Soundhaus this Saturday, where they’ll be playing live at 8.15pm.
It won’t cost you a penny to get in, so if you’re in the area, come and help throw some rotten eggs and tomatoes at them. If you can sneak them past the bouncers. Which I suggest you really don't try and do.
You can't blame anything on me!
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With all the attention being on cricket at the moment, poor old football is feeling a bit neglected. Why don't you cheer the old sport up a bit by gigving it a bit of a quick knock about?
Hey, and if you're any good, maybe you can sign up for the England squad! In fact, even if you're just vaguely OK at it, you should sign up as well. It's not as if the team can get any weaker at the moment*.
*I don't actually know what I'm talking about, I heard someone say something to this effect in the pub last night. Shortly before leaving to spend the rest of the evening up a tree shooting squirrels. Alledgedly.
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Here at Funjunkie Towers we're no strangers to the antics of Reg after he's been on the loopy juice*, and we even have a rapid response unit on standby at all times to help us control him.
Last night was a special occasion for Reg** so he was down the pub from about 6pm, and consequently was blind drunk 3 hours later. Reports started coming in around 10.30 of a madman in the park throwing conkers at squirrels. So we switched on the RegRemote CamTM, and sure enough there was a great view of some terrified looking critters.
The Rapid Response unit was predictably late, arriving 2 hours after FFS and myself***, by which time Reg had managed to find a BB gun. He's still out there this morning, covinced he's being attacked by Zombie Squirrels. We're going to need some more help.
*Half a pint of shandy usually.
**It was a Thursday night.
***BM and Curls stayed behind to look after the beer fridge.
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You really don't want to be outside in this weather, so here's something to keep you amused indoors for a few minutes. Get your electronic crayons out and draw some body parts to add to this Monsta.
If you're really lucky, you'll get a glimpse of some of the parts that I've prepared earlier, Blue Peter style. They're easily idenifiable by their artistic merit. And by the fact they have the name REG drawn next to them in big childish letters
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"I've seen loaaaaaaaaads of aeroplanes" said Reg, and everyone laughed*. Well now you too can see loaaaaads of aeroplanes, with one of the bestest music vids I've seen for ages.
We're not really ones for promoting bands on Funjunkie, but when the tunes are so good and the videos are this wowtastical, who can argue?** So I give to you the latest single from one of my favourite bands Doves, Sky Starts Falling
* Actually I said it, but don't tell anyone
** You can't argue, no-one listens to you. Idiot
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"I've got this phone which you can talk to God on" said Andy Warhol in the movie The Doors. No-one believed him, especially Jim Morrison. In fact he launched the blower out of a limo window, then went and got proper smashed. Good lad.
However, that was all in the 60's. Now with the Interweb you can do anything. Yup, you can even talk to God.
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Some pets can be a menace to society. Now don't get me wrong... I like a good menace to society, especially if the society in question is the one that meets in the Village hall next door and plays loud Hammond Organ music at all hours of lunch time. Foxtrot my arse! I've seen them all turning up with thier zimmer frames and that scary glint in their eye. Who knows what goes on behind those closed doors, but two hours later they all stream out onto the street, lauging and smelling of tea and biscuits. It's a disgrace! Somebody should do something about it.
Anyway, there was the thing about pets. Poodles in fact. They're a menace to society. Just look at the picture accompanying this article... Somebody actually thought that was a good idea!
You too can have a menacing, slavering, beast of a poodle to scare old ladies with... it's the Dog Disguise Kit
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Yep, you may have guessed by the clever title for this post that it's Mario's birthday! The Italian Plumber is officially 20 years old today, and he doesn't look any older than the day he was born. Sure, he's a bit rounder nowadays (as opposed to his blocky original self), but he's still wearing that big old 'tache as if it was still the 1980's.
Well done sir, we salute you. Save us all a piece of cake would you?
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There's nothing like a good riot to keep everybody amused, just so long as it's not a real one. Our next game, however, is indeed nothing like a riot. It's supposed to be a riot, granted, but still it has absolutely no hallmarks of any sort of riot I've ever heard about, other than the rocks, explosives, etc.
Wir sind die guten... it's a... er, very slow riot.
Click on the objects and hold down the mouse button for power
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I'd love to give this next link some kind of witty introduction, possibly with some useful yet quip laden insight, and perhaps with the odd linking story about a Wombat and three broken telephones.
However, I have absolutely no inspiration now, and the link speaks for itself... as does this image:
Everything sounds like Coldplay now
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I'm not feeling too good this morning. Me and the Wombat were up till god knows what time playing Scabby Queen and drinking Meths, the bastard's taken me for all I have. Although he was kind enough to let me keep my pants and an old copy of heat Magazine.
Needless to say my head is not working very well, so here is a game that requires not a lot thinking. Enter Fleaworld. Get the little blighter's through the gate in time with a few obstacles on the way.
You'll get the hang of it
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Well isn't this exciting? 3 Funjunkie Friday Games already and it's not even 9 o'clock yet. You must have been good this week to deserve such... such... you know... er, things.
So now that I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel of my vocabulary, I'd better give you something to do. Something that may perhaps take all day, depending on your brainpower* and whether your boss is in or not.
Get your deerstalkers out of the loft, brush off the dust and cobwebs, then take it to the nearest charity shop, because it's no use to you anymore. Unless of course you like wearing it while playing a detective game.
*Oh dear.
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Game 2 of this week's Funjunkie Friday Games marathon comes in the form of Flying Spaghetti Monster, which requires no further explanation.
Probably.
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You might think that I've got up before the rest of the berks here at Funjunkie Towers, but not so. Curls has been awake since 7am, managed to get to the bathroom first, and we haven't seen her since. Even worse news is that Reg got second place in the queue, and he spends about 2 hours putting his hair up.
We do have a second bathroom but the Wombat seems to have made it his own... nobody dares go there anymore.
So here I sit with a full bladder and nothing to do but find a few Funjunkie Friday Games to keep you all amused. First off is the rather playable Zorro Tank, which features a tank, and Zor... oh no, sorry, just a tank.
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Cricket is the new black this summer, you know. Football has been well and truly sacked off (especially after last nights performance against Northern Ireland), and everyone is behind Vaughan, Freddie Flintoff and the lads to win the final test and secure the Ashes for the first time in twifty years.
So what better way to kick off (sorry, bowl off) Thursday than a cricket inspired bandwagon! Here's a few for starters:
- The Four Tops
- Buddy Holly and the Crickets
- Bowling for Soup
- Ashes
- Meatloaf - Bat out of Hell
- Faith No More no balls please Shane Warne, you're gonna lose the Ashes
Okay, your turn...
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This is a public service announcement. Tonight at 11:20pm on BBC2, an extremely important documentary will be showing. You have two choices; if you’re a night owl, just sit up and watch it. If you’re not, then set the video / Tivo / DVD / Laserdisc.
There won’t be any questions on it tomorrow, but there might be a spot quiz sometime in the future. Thank you for your attention, over and out.
I'm only doing this because I bet I forget to video it myself, and then I can borrow the tape off you.
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Occasionally Funjunkie gets invited to the odd party or Wedding reception, although normally we have to go undercover and gatecrash them dressed up as security staff or pantomime horses.
Recently, Funjunkie's finest partner operatives managed to get themselves invited to a Wedding somewhere in London village. While Curls kept the guests distracted with her stories about the Giant flesh-eating Wombat of Borneo, I managed to get some candid footage of a mating ritual which was taking place on the dancefloor, using my hidden camera.
John Travolta would be turning over in his grave, if it weren't for the fact that he's still alive*. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present the wonder that is Saturday Night Fever.
*The inconsiderate twunt.
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Today is an especially dark Monday for kids everywhere. The summer holidays are over, and everyone is back in school*. The bright side of all this is that shopping trolleys around the country can finally let out a sigh of relief. They no longer have to undergo continuous Jackass-style trips down hills, and they can start crawling back out of the canals and duckponds.
In a bid to help the ailing wheeled behemoths, Trolleyspotting has been set up by a crack team of errr… trolley spotters to help rehome some of the lost souls. Do your bit and help spot some trolleys in your area!
*Jenkins, stop reading this. You’re meant to be researching crop rotation in the 14th Century, not slurfing the interweb! Mr Goodwin wants to have a ‘word’ in his classroom at breaktime.
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It's a dangerous world out there these days. There's the muggeres, the psychopathic evangelical god botherers lobbing pamphlets at passers-by, the grannies with their handbags, the gangs of chavs, and that big boy who keeps stealing your lunch money from you.
Don't worry though. Here at Funjunkie Towers we're running a new set of combat course in Self Offence. As you should know by now, Self Defence is just not worthwhile anymore... You can only use it if you've not been knocked out in the first place. Self Offence is far more useful because it works on the concept that anybody and everybody is a potential attacker, so you ought to attack them first.
Now go out there and tank to the streets.
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Finish each hole in as few strokes as possible!
Blimey. It's too early for something that saucy... oh hang on. My fault, it's a golf game. Well, you can see where the confusion came in, can't you? Or is that just me?
I would get my coat again, but it's lovely and sunny outside, so I'll just leave without it. If that's OK with you. I might have a quick 18 holes while I'm out, then a liquid lunch at the 19th. Sweet.
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Good morning my hungover friend. Was it some kind of special occasion last night, or were you just hitting the bottle for the sake of it? I see you've been drinking White Lightning, the tipple of choice for all 15 year old beverage connoisseurs. You've got class.
Since you're not in any fit state for doing anything too animated, perhaps we ought to start you off with a little point-and-click... er, action. You remember how it works don't you? Just point, and - please stop me if I'm going too fast for you - er, click. Simple as that.
Oh, and it's another one of those Escape games, which seem to be more common than a bag of chips in Whitby these days.
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Give a cat a sink and he'll be happy for the rest of his life.
Teach a cat to sink and the rest of his life will be too short to worry about.
At least that was the proverb they taught us at the school of Kentuky Fried Kitten.
As you'll no doubt be aware, I'm fairly useless at finding lead-ins for articles. Relevance has never been my strong point, which probably explains why I'm a Funjunkie editor. That's the excuse that Reg uses anyway.
Er, Cats in Sinks... It's all about cats. In sinks.
Thanks for that Shazia.
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We're all having a bit of a sit-down here at FJ Towers, since we've all got sore bottoms. Now don't jump to conclusions, it's because FFS got up at the crack of dawn and started running round and pinching and punching us, because it's the first of the month (no return).
The novelty hasn't worn off, and she's so pleased with herself for 'getting in there first', that she's taken to donning a chicken suit and doing a special victory dance.
We've left her to it. Hopefully she'll be out of breath in a couple of hours or so.
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Crouching Tiger, Hidden Uses
Compact discs are used to make cheap Ninja throwing stars in the Far East. Modern day Ninja warriors apparently prefer using Hear'say's debut album because of its superior aerodynamic properties.
Unreliable Facts from The Brains Trust |
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
- Tommy Cooper |
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DeathGob
