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The Summer Burn has started! Check your inbox now. |
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I know, I know the football's on, and nobody cares about anything else...
But if you're not up for watching the World Diving Championships (Friday, 4pm), you need to play Zwok!
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Well, it's that time of week again, (Friday....yay!) where we all bust a gut to bring you lucky folks some fantastic games from all over the internet. And as you can see from today's smorgasbord of delights we've really been scraping the barrel.
This one is called Fish Eat Fish, and you swim around eating little fish and pellets whilst trying to avoid being eaten by the bigger fish.
Have fun!
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Billy Shakespeare once wrote:
"If music be the food of love, play on. Give me excess of it. But if you suck, I'll rip your fucking head off, you twat!"
He later edited the last bit out and replaced it with some nonsense about food poisoning*, which kind of ruined Twelfth Night for everybody. Thus his play was a box office flop in the opening week, made a massive loss which nearly bankrupted 17th Century FoxTM and sent the British play industry into a depression that lasted for more than 200 years. Shakespeare later shot himself with an early version of the Uzi Carbine, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Had he still been alive today, not only would he be really really old, but he'd probably have absolutely nothing to say about The Hump.
*"that, surfeiting, the appetite may sicken, and so die." Seriously mate... what the fuck?
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*Please do not adjust your sets*
Ladies and Gentlemen, there really are eight Funjunkie Friday Games for you to play today, count ‘em and weep! You may not have thought it possible, but we’ve been feeding the wombats on Kryptonite that we burgled from Superman’s secret palace at the North pole, and their game finding powers have tripled.
Or was it Superman’s frozen bogey stash from the South pole? Well, whatever it is that we’re feeding them, it’s green and it came from somewhere cold. And a bit salty when you lick it.
Yes yes yes, the game. I’m getting to it… here it is! It’s the ultimate in motorcycling simulators. You can almost feel the tarmac of the roads beneath your wheels.
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Culm Valley Fm is a community radio station down in deepest, darkest Devon. I've been fortunate enough to be invited to do some shows, and we've been playing a blinder so far.
So come and support the SillyBoy in his guise of DJ Badgerstyle, on Tuesdays 6-8pm.
The live stream can be picked up HERE
The more support we get the more chance we have of getting a full time community station license.
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Blimey Taz, too much caffeine this morning!?
Thought I'd better stay away from footy games, so I searched long and hard for something as un-footy-related as possible... and I came up with frogs, encased in jelly.
Slide them about to make likes of three - it's nothing you haven't done before, but it's nicely done and boy, dem frogs 'r funky.
Hop on over to Makos
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In the immortal words of Edwin Starr....."Football! Yeah.....What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!"
*Arrrghh, I was only joking Reg stop kicking me*
Anyway, Here's a non-fussball orientated game - involving motocross bikes and steep hills.....MotocrossTG.....from those lovely people at Teagames, who brought us my favourite game EVER, BMX Backflips. You wouldn't believe the amount of time I've wasted on this game*
*Oh, you would. Well don't tell my boss, please.
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Balls, balls, balls! Is anyone getting bored of ball games?
Yes?
Tough shit! You've got golf now, which is probably one of the most boring ball games in the world. Fortunately this game has an Elephant in it.
Golf... Elephant... Golf... Elephant... It could work. You be the judge. Dumbolf. It's dumb, and it's olf.
I've got to stop finishing with a stupid tag line.
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3 games so far, and it's not even 9am yet. In fact none of you are even anywhere near a computer yet, because it's only sad bastards like me who start work* this early.
Keepy Ups. Dull, dull, dull. If anyone wants to start a viral marketing campaign on a budget, all they need to do is a put a new background on a simple Keepy Ups game and get it out there a couple of weeks before any ball related sporting event is about to take place. Football, Tennis, Rugby... it doesn't matter.
So what makes this one different? Well it's not a mouse pointer this time, it's a character, and you get to choose what part of his body** to hit the ball with. Not only that, but he can even perform a weird Bullet Time style flying kick at goal that, although looks cool, doesn't ever seem to connect with the ball at all. Believe me... I've tried it hundreds of times... Njits. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Not a sausage. Not even a chipolata!
World Cup Keepy Ups. If you manage to score a goal, please tell us how.
*Don't laugh.
**Within reason, you filthy minded individual!
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What's this? A non football related game during the World Cup season? This can't be right. Surely there must be some mistake.
Don't worry though, it's got balls in it... so you could say it's loosely related in a rather left of field way.
Crazy Pool. It's got nothing to do with girls wearing straight jackets in the water, which is a shame really.
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Is your team through to the next round of the World Cup, or did you get trounced by Big Fat Ron and the Banana Boys of Brazil? Are you perhaps feeling a bit pissed off that Sweden managed to claw it back to deny England a win for another year? Or maybe you can't wait for the last 16 and want to start the campaign off early.
No problem. We're here to help, in the form of a rather good, if rather frustrating game by Sky Sports: World Cup Glory. Now you can go and replay that game over and over until you get the result you wanted.
Not that it'll help Owen much, mind you.
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Now that the Summer Burn has finally kicked off, it's about time we anounced the winner of the postcard competition.
It's been rather tough making a decision on this. Many people made lots of effort finding or making some fantastic cards. Honorable mentions go to Laura Wilson, Matt Sewell, and the exceedingly dedicated The Bint, who spent a whole night sewing a collage in what appears to be a rather OCD* way.
But my favourite card comes from Julie Pliner who not only found a great card to post, but also made the effort to write something that captures the whole spirit of the Summer Burn for me.
"The sun stares relentlessly down on us today in Boulder Colorado. Everyone is gathering by the river that runs through town in hopes of a cooler breeze. Couples with their lingering glances. Kids and puppies frolicking. Cyclists, yogis, hippies and bums. Once in a while an unnoccupied tube will float by... I think I will make my CD about today. The steamy days of Summer where the river flows to the rhythm of possibility. Much happiness to you today. Whoever you are."
So congratulations to Julie. You'll be receiving an exclusive T-Shirt from our friends at Deathgob.
Thanks to everyone taking part in the Summer Burn. Hope you're all enjoying it.
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Forum celebrities New Cassettes are being allowed off the leash this weekend. They’re playing at the O2 Wireless festival in Hyde Park on Sunday. So if you’re in the Big Smoke, throw a couple of bottles of wee at them from us!
If that’s all a bit too short notice, they’ll also be appearing at the Latitude Festival alongside such legends as Mogwai on Friday 14th July. And is if that wasn't enough, they'll be finishing off the festival tour at the Summer Sundae festival on Sunday 13th August. That gives you loads of time to pee into empty bottles to get a good stock of ammo up.
Good luck boys. Remember to wear some protective head gear!
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Important info for Summer Burn members:
For some reason a lot of this morning's notification emails have not made it to their destinations. We've had no bounce notifications, so evidently they've disappeared into a black hole.
Please hang on for a couple of hours. We're goig to transfer the database over to another server and resend the emails from there.
Please be patient. We'll sort this out.
UPDATE: This has now been sorted. If you have still not yet received an email from us, please get in touch as soon as possible.
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Those of you who signed up for the Summer Burn, and particularly those of you who remembered to confirm your registrations, make sure you check your email today.
The Summer Burn randomisificator did it's randomisation thing this morning and sent out emails to over 650 Burners. If you haven't received yours yet, make sure you check your spam folder or similar.
Those of you who've already received yours will now know that this year's burn is similar to 2005 as we've created the 3 Way Summer Burn Love Triangles again. We hope you all enjoy it.
So go out and get those CDs in the post, and let's make it a great Summer for everyone involved!
For those few of you who've sent your confirmation cards in the last couple of days but haven't yet heard from us, don't despair. We've managed to persuade the Wombat to process late entries for a few more days, so you stragglers out there might still be in with a chance.
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It’s a sad state of affairs when we haven’t had any Hasselhoff news for a while. One of the last times we heard from the Hoffiverse was when he definitely wasn’t making a gangsta rap album with Ice-T.*
But now the great man is back in the spotlight, or more accurately he could be if you lend a hand. Get Hasselhoff to number one does exactly what it says on the tin. Number one in the pop charts, of course. Not get Hasselhoff to do a wee wee, obviously. Although that’s another idea for the back burner…
*I’m still upset about that.
Cheers Johnny
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Not skiving off work and watching the footy?
Have a go at UchuWars - it's a great little shoot'em up, and you won't get RSI from playing it as you can hold down the mouse button instead of hammering it to death.
*And* your boss won't know you're playing games again. Perfect.
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The FJ Team aren’t well known for their film making skills, as can be seen here in the “classic” Tanks for nothing, our last full length feature.
Luckily for you, there hasn’t been anything to endure since then. Two and a half years should have given you enough time to recover from that awful effort, which is just as well; we’ve now made something far more ambitious.
FJ local Kaiser has mustered a crack team* of forumites to produce Pimp My Bike; a tale of one man getting a drastic overhaul of his sad little bicycle. And if that’s not enough for you, there’s even a bloopers reel to watch as well!
*Or was it CRAP team?
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…and to round off this dreary downhill day, we’ve got a game to cheer you up. Suprisingly, it has nothing to with football!
It’s got a hedgehog in it, that you have to tip around a bit. And get to the finish line. Before the time runs out.
Don’t worry it makes perfect sense when you’re playing it.
Cheers Steve.
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If you haven’t signed up for this year’s Summer Burn yet, then put down your mug of tea and do it now. Registration’s only open for another couple of hours.
As soon as the port cullis clangs down to seal off the exits, we’ll be unleashing the wombats to chase up the naughty ones who haven’t confirmed their registration yet by mail. Remember, there’s a free DeathGob t-shirt to whoever sends Taz the best postcard… as if you needed another incentive to be a part of this fandabidozy musicathon.
All the other good boys and girls who have followed all the instruction carefully (currently 592 of you) just have to sit back and wait for the klaxxon to sound next week, and it’s all systems go. Fingers crossed you don’t get paired up with Munkybrain and his Gabba compilation*.
*Only joking Munky, please don’t hit me. No, not the face!
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It seems like only yesterday that F*ck Fluffy Zoid (nee F*ck Fluffy Sally) got married. Now she’s popping out new members for the FJ football team!
Congratulations old girl. We only need about nine more players, and we’ll be there. Hope you’re all well,
Regards,
The rest of the FJ Team
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It's a hat-trick!
Keepy ups is one of the oldest games on the web, but this one has a hilarious German commentary.
Worthy of a minute of anyone's time, probably worth three minutes if you can understand what the guy's saying.
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PixelHugger sprints down the wing, crosses to the recently-evicted Taz, who nods it over the BB fence to SillyBoy, who duly knocks it into the back of the net.
Yes, I've got a little somethin' for ya. And it's round*.
The Simple Game - A simple penalty shoot out, using 'real' graphics so it's a bit of a monster to load, but pretty good once you get there, and past the globalisation screen. Be warned - it rewards those who persevere!
Yes, that's a chicken.
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Phew! It took three whole hours of slagging the others off before I could gather enough nominations, so I've missed the first half of the first match. I blame BeccaG - no matter how much you argue with some people they still think you're simply 'misunderstood'. Hmph.
Anyway, I'm here now. Sorry for the delay. Let's get you something to play with after the floodlights have dimmed...
First up: Soccer Challenge!
This one features no less than 8 challenges to complete. Some are hard, others are downright chuck-your-laptop-out-the-window frustrating. But you'll have to complete all of them to be in with a chance of grabbing some glory on the high score chart. Which I haven't.
Yet.
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Can you guess what's coming next? If you're thinking anything other than something about football, you're sadly mistaken.
Never let us be accused of jumping on the media bandwagon. We prefer to stand in the middle of the raod wearing masks and hijack it Dick Turpin style, with a hearty cry of "Stand and Deliver!".
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I'll give you a couple of moments to get Adam and the Ants out of your head.
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No? Still there? Oh dear, looks like you'll be humming that for the rest of the day. I would apologise, but I've got the same problem.
Oh right, there was something about a game wasn't there? Here you go then: It's called Soccer Tops, presumably because it was made by somebody who thinks football involves a lot of standing around doing nothing in body armour and helmets.
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Thank fuck for evictions! I was the first voted out of the Big FJ Privy, and I don't mind telling you that I'm rather relieved...
...actually it was Dr.Poppyjuice who actually relieved himself in front of us all, and now the place smells like something's died in there. In fact it probably won't be long before that is actually the case.
Game II of this fantabulous Friday afternoon, and with the World Cup starting tonight, you can't possibly expect not to have a few footie related games. This next one is... er, loosely related.
World Cup Smackdown. That should keep you occupied for a few nanoseconds.
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If you're wondering where the others are today, I've imprisoned them all in the outside privy, I'm doing a BB style experiment called Big FJ and I'm going to see how long they survive with nothing to do except talk shite.
I'm expecting Taz to crack first but he could be pipped to the post by Badger Mushroom who's possibly showing the early signs of a breakdown, which is amazing considering they've only been in there for 45 minutes. I guess there's only so much of SillyBoy's singing they can take. Reg is asleep and PixelHugger is just sitting in the corner quietly hugging his knees and slightly rocking. Dr.Poppyjuice is running around trying to catch flies with his tweezers.
The only person who's had a lucky escape is F*ck Fluff Sally, who is in the kitchen making me a fried brekkie. Bless Her.
But don't worry about them, let's play Heavy Metal Girl and have some fun. I'll let the boys out in time for the footie.
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Long-time FJ legend BigDaddyMerk has a new club night opening this evening in Telford. Good luck old bean! Sorry the FJ crew can’t make it, but the round trip from Mars takes up a lot of petrol, and the 1’s and 2’s jar is empty.
It’s also Mick “Lone-swordsman” Hucknall’s birthday today. Let’s hope he doesn’t decide to ruin everyone’s fun and turn up to schmooze all the laydees. In fact, if he does turn up, smack him over the head with a microphone. Or maybe something even heavier. Like a record player. Or a baseball bat that you just “happen” to have behind the decks.
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The start of the World Cup is so close, you can almost smell it. Then again, that sausage and sauerkraut smell might just be Taz working his butt off to get the Summer Burn sorted out. It’s hard to tell the difference, he’s like that when he’s under pressure. But anyway, football.
If you haven’t signed up for the World Cup Fantasy Football yet, then pull your finger out! There’s the added bonus that you can join the FJ Mini League, so you can laugh at our dire prediction skills. You may also want to get your hands on some 100% unofficial Peter Crouch Robotics merchandise.
See you down the pub. If you get there first, bagsy me a seat. Preferrably by the bar.
Yes, I know the first England match isn’t until 2pm on Saturday, but you’ve got to be prepared!
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This weekend sees the annual Raleigh Chopper Rally at Billing, Northampton. Which is all well and good, you may think. Some blokes, old enough to know better, riding 30 year old bikes. Big deal.
Except this year is a little different. There will still be a load of blokes, old enough to know better, riding 30 year old bikes; but there will also be a Freak Bike Circus. Some of the guys from DeathGob have teamed up with Bike Hotrod and are putting on a few slightly more ‘diverse’ displays of cycling. There’s also going to be a cycle-in cinema showing some rather daft bike-related flicks.
So if you fancy a bit of pedaling, and you feel the need to take advantage of the semi-decent weather promised, then get your Chopper out.
snigger
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VII!? Reg will be running out of fingers to count on soon, and using toes isn't really an option as you can't feel them through our Kevlar-coated MoonBoots*.
Anyway, onward and possibly upward!** Here's a single-digit masher for all you young mums out there. Pram Panic.
* We should re-christen those, surely?
** Depending on which orbit you're currently in.
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We have a slight problem here at Funjunkie Towers, due to the poor air quality on Mars* we try to stay inside as much as possible and let our army of hi-tech** robots do the outside work.
Unfortunately this morning Reg spilled his anchovy and marshmellow smoothie on the control box and they've all gone off on a burton.
If you wouldn't mind popping out for us and shooting the crap out of them that'd be great.
I'll pop the kettle on for when you get back***
*And the fact that we're all sublimely idle
**That's right, like the trainers
***In a box, obviously
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Noodles....everybody likes them.
The fuel of britain some people might say, but personally I thought it that was soggy fish and chips washed down with a beer and a fag.
Anyway, to celebrate their noodley-ness, someone's made a noodle-mining game called Fuel Of Britain, it's actually quite fun and it's got sheep* in it too.
*Watch out for the black sheep.....they give you quite a kicking.
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Now I like to crush things as much as the next wombat fancier, so it should come as no surprise that we all like a bit of Monster Truckingtm here at Funjunkie Towers.
In fact it’s all got a bit out of hand recently, Badger Mushroom and Taz have built their own 1:2 scale replicas of Bigfoot, and have been ragging it around the garden. My azaleas have been totally destroyed.
So join in the fun with Monster Trucks – jump buses, crush cars & destroy your truck in an ill-advised orgy of destruction!
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Well thanks to BeccaG it's been a busy ol' week for me. My fingers ache royally and there's a faint musty smell following me around, but I should be ready for my Way of the Wombat Stage 1 exam (aural, of course) by the middle of next week.
Did I mention it's a 'Keep Fit Friday'? That means lots of exercise for everyone! You can start here, with Dangerous Dave* and Brutal Bob* doing a spot of bicycle-related stuntwork.
It's time to go clubbing again!
* Yes, of course those are pseudonyms
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Since the caffeine from your hot beverages hasn't kicked in yet, the next game is following Taz's precedent and keeping it simple. All you need are you need are the left and right keys. Even you should be able to handle that!
The premise sees you snapping "sexy girls" driving around Barcelona in taxis. Sounds pretty good doesn't it? In the immortal words of Public Enemy, don't believe the hype.
But do post your scores in the comments box
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We like to keep things simple for you this early on a Friday morning. We know you've had a tough week, and we know how hard it was for you to get up this morning. You probably shouldn't have been out until 2am, but there's not a lot you can do about that now, is there? I expect the hangover is starting to kick in too.
So with that in mind, we've got something that even you can manage in your current state. All you have to do is click the mouse button a few times, and with any luck you'll be beating my pathetic score of 512. Pendulumeca: Simple, but highly addictive.
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Here's a great link for all you foot fetishists out there. That's right, I'm talking to you. You know who you are, sitting there breaking into a sweat at the thought of all those hairy toes. You filthy little thing you!
Today, not only do you get to look at a famous person's foot, you even get to touch it. Yeah, you read it right. You get to TOUCH Wayne Rooney's foot! You, and you alone will get the unique opportunity to stroke, tickle, rub, and even massage the stricken striker's right hoof.
I'll wait while you regain composure.
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Yes, you'd best wipe that up first.
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Done? Okay. Here you go then... Get Rubbing. England is relying on you.
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There's been a lot of pinching and punching at FJ Towers today. Not only because it's the start of the month, but because Badger Mushroom deserved a good hitting. He's been hiding away his Extreme Tugboating game all to himself for ages.
He said he was going to post it last week, but he was busy with "exams", but we all know what that's a euphamism for don't we?* Anyway, now you too can share in the joys of Extreme Tugboating, and it is extreme!
*Don't we?
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LOTR bloopers?
Enthusiasts of Movie-Mistakes.com have noticed many "bloopers" in Lord of the Rings. They report that in one scene there is a car driving across the horizon; in another, the hobbits are wearing shoes; in another, where one of the black riders is chasing the hobbits onto the ferry, he is clearly wearing a Sony Walkman.
Unreliable Facts from The Brains Trust |
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"The French are not normally a Nordic skiing nation."
- Ron Pickering |
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DeathGob
