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The Summer Burn has started! Check your inbox now. |
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Welcome to the steampunk, chaingun firing, airship exploring world of Dirk Valentine. It's not to be confused with the smooth talking, tie straightening, lady shmoozing world of Dirk Benedict. I know, I know, it's confusing keeping on top of all the Dirks out there. It's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it.
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It’s a hard life living at FJ Towers. As soon as any of us leave the compound to get a pint of gin or a packet of biscuits, we’re mobbed by adoring fans. Posing for photos and signing autographs can get tiresome very quickly, so sometimes we have to arm ourselves accordingly. It’s usually just pistols and shotguns for weekdays, but come Saturday, it all gets a bit more hardcore.
Now you can experience some of what we have to go through by playing Zombie Wars. It’s an accurate portrayal of the kind of crowd dispersal techniques we’ve developed over the years.
Right, it’s time to draw straws to see who goes to the shops; the wombat’s just knocked over the PVA glue into the weetabix again.
Thanks Sickboy
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Let's face it, the weather's going to be shit over the bank holiday weekend. What you need to do is get a case of Special Brew in, put your feet up and play a couple of rounds of Line Golfer.
Generally golf games are pretty good, but this one has the added bonus of letting you draw your own courses as well. If you're that way inclined. And after all that strong lager, you should be feeling pretty creative. And headachey.
Just to show you, in true Blue Peter style, how easy it is to knock up a course, here are some I made earlier: Alpine Skyline, R2D2, Pinball & Subterranea.
Use the comments box to tell us about any courses you’ve made. So we can laugh heartily at you. Oh, and happy birthday for Sunday Badger Mushroom, this one's for you, you hairy bastard.
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Fed up with your games being too full of unicorns and fluffy rainbows? We've got the game for you. It's industrial chic is about as far removed from cutey-cutey world as you can get, and the gameplay is rock hard. And when I say rock hard, I mean rocks as in diamonds. That's hard.
If you get past the first level on your first go, you get a "I play rock hard games" chequebook and pen*
If you still want to play spin the black circle, then go ahead, but don't blame us when you mash your face into the keyboard in frustration.
*NB this is complete fabrication
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It sounds like the kind of experiment we’d conduct in the dungeons of FJ Towers; crossing a cute little spring lamb with a banana to create a gargantuan bright yellow superlambanana!!! Mwahahahaha
If we’d done it first, we’d set our superlambanana off to rampage the surrounding villages and pillage virgins, scrump apples ‘n’ stuff. Liverpool had a different idea. It got it’s original superlambanana and is cloning it so it can colonise the rest of the city and finally get rid of the scouse menance! A worthy task for a mammal / fruit hybrid if there ever was one.
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While the majority of the population of Britain cowers under it's collective dayglow Kagool, huddling around a single 11 Watt energy saving lightbulb for warmth and generally dying of exposure, a few hardy shorts wearing, knobbly kneed, grinning fools out there are apparently already convinced it's nearly Summer.
None more so than Ashley, who this morning asked about this year's Summer Burn. Good grief Ash... are you stark raving mad? Can't you see we're all getting Hypothermia down here? Put those knees away and wipe that bloody grin off your face. T - I - B !!!*
Fairlplay though, it's a good point. Are we going to do it all again? Is the Summer Burn going ahead this year (In Summer mind you, and that's over 3 months away)?
Well it all depends on you lot. If you want the Summer Burn to return this year, we want your votes. We also want your suggestions if you've got any ideas about how to make sure every participant sends out thier CDs. So votes in the comments if you will, and suggestions in the forums please.
*This Is Britain
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I love cameras, me. I've got quite a few. I don't use them a lot, I just look at them and rub my thighs, but that's enough about me and my wierd obsessions.
Here's a bunch of "zany" pinhole cameras that you can download and make yourself. Then you can then stick them on a shelf and just look at them and rub your thighs, just like me.
Or you could actually take photographs with them, or something stupid like that.
Thanks Trudi
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I love playing with heavenly bodies. Whoops! I mean heavenly bodies of this sort, my mistake. That’s why I enjoy Trigger Ball. It’s like billiards with planets. Or something.
I’ll get my coat
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Horse chestnut
Conkers from the Horse Chestnut "aesculus hippocastanum" will only germinate if they have passed through the intestines of a horse.
Unreliable Facts from The Brains Trust |
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A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
- Tommy Cooper |
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DeathGob
